Creating Loving Relationships

Mar 5

There is beauty all around when there’s love at home;

There is joy in every sound when there’s love at home.

Peace and plenty here abide, Smiling sweet on every side.

Time doth softly, sweetly glide when there’s love at home.

We sing these beautiful, peaceful words at church, But then we go home and it feels like reality tramples on all of our good intentions. Work puts stress on us and the dirty dishes taunt us from kitchen sink. The toddlers are arguing because they both want to play with the same exact toy at the same exact time (what are the odds) and no one is willing to compromise. Maybe your teenager is huffing and puffing because you said no to a request they were counting on you to say yes to, and now you are officially labeled the un-coolest mom or dad on the planet. Perhaps you just wanted a few minutes to do something productive for yourself, but as soon as you sit down, it seems that right then the baby screams for your attention or your toddler declares that she is starving (even though you swear you just fed her less than 30 minutes ago). This is real life. I know; I’m living it, and perhaps you are too.

So how can we make the words of that sweet hymn a reality? How can we find heaven-like beauty and joy, and peace and plenty in our homes surrounded by very real mortal trials?

As I pondered this question, my mind was drawn to an invitation our prophet, President Nelson, gave us almost exactly one year ago. He said, “My call today, dear brothers and sisters, is to end conflicts that are raging in your heart, your home, and your life.” He continues, “We are followers of the Prince of Peace. Now more than ever, we need the peace only He can bring.”

There are many things we have no control over, but I find strength in examining the things I do have power to change: those things reside in my heart and in my home. So today lets examine how we can change things in within our circle of influence to invite more love and peace into our homes.

First, in our hearts:

Jesus Christ taught that the first great commandment was to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind.

Do you love God? Do you see God as your actual Father, or do you just respect Him as a distant deity? Do you strive to cultivate a relationship with God to show Him your love?

Let me ask it another way: The way you want your kids to act towards you or with you, do you interact that way with God? When we wish for our children to talk to us about their days, do we do the same and talk to our Father in Heaven in prayer daily? When we want our children to heed our counsel and see the wisdom we provide with our life-time of experiences, do we similarly look to God’s commandments and modern prophetic revelations as a safety net, given in love by an all-knowing Father?

I think in order to create loving relationships with those around us, we need to first examine our own hearts and improve our personal relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ. As we learn about our Savior in the scriptures and through our personal study, we will want to be more like Him. We will emulate the way He teaches and governs, the way He disciplines and loves.

Let’s look at a scripture example. In the New Testament, we read about the story of the disciples traveling in a ship in the midst of a storm. The waves toppled over the them and filled the boat with water, the winds pushed them to and fro, and the disciples were scared. They weren’t just a little nervous, no, they were freaking out. They thought they were going to die. In the midst of their panic, they shake Christ awake and ask Him if he doesn’t care that they are in mortal danger. “Master, carest thou not that we perish?”. Christ’s responds: “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea. “Peace be still,” he said. And there was a great calm.

If our home is the boat and our family members are the disciples, how can we as parents follow Christ’s role in this story?

First, when the disciples express their deep concern, Christ asks, “Why are ye fearful?” This isn’t spoken in a condescending way, like “Sheesh, guys, you’re being ridiculous. Why are you even scared? This is no big deal.” Instead, it is a question to open a conversation. What are you feeling? Why are you feeling that way? How can we work together to navigate these choppy waters? Whether its our teen feeling disappointed at not making the team or our spouse feeling anxious over finances, Christ’s example shows us to have compassion over another’s worries.

Next, Christ reminds us to have faith. If we trust in the rock on which we are built, our children will feel this confidence. The peace we find in Christ will resonate throughout our homes, but it takes personal work to build that type of faith. It takes all the simple primary answers: praying, studying the scriptures, attending church and renewing our covenants by partaking of the sacrament, serving in the temple, and putting God first in our lives. By doing these things, we can personally know that the rock of Christ is firm. It won’t crumble during the storms. It will be strong, and so we can be strong for our families as well. In this way, our hearts will be prepared to lead our homes with love, faith, and peace.

Now, let’s discuss our homes:

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it says, “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children…Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness”

I don’t know about you, but to me words like “solemn responsibility” and “sacred duty” feel weighty. As parents, our hearts sometimes feel heavy when we think of the daunting task of raising children in the latter days, in the midst of corruption, immorality, and hatred between all men. But I remember learning an important truth as I studied the Proclamation: It does not say that “Parents have the responsibility is to raise righteous children”. Instead it says that our duty is to raise our children “in love and righteousness”. Raise righteous children vs raise children in love and righteousness. What’s the difference? Well one takes away the agency of our children. It assumes that we have control over who our children become, but that is contrary to God’s plan. We cannot force our children to love God or love each other, but we can raise our kids in love and righteousness.

What does that mean? It means that we create an environment where Christlike love is at the center of everything we do. It means that Christ and his gospel are a constant part of how we teach and correct and encourage each other. It means we work hand in hand with our spouse to choose how we will respond to our children when they come to us having made a mistake, needing guidance and connection rather than harsh chastisement and punishments. It means welcoming conversations and questions that weigh on our children’s hearts and not bringing shame when they express doubts or confusion. It is in the media we allow into our home, the artwork we hang on our walls, and the music we listen to. It’s in so many small decisions, but as Elder Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles reminds us, “Our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results.”

The Family: A Proclamation to the World also teaches, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

In preparation for this talk, I reached out to some family and friends and asked them: What do you do to create an environment of love in your home? I want to share some of their responses. If you have been searching for an idea to implement in your own home, here are a few ideas:

- One friend shared, “We started doing something that I love. [Before family prayer,] we ask if anyone needs something for us to pray for. It brings the sweetest feelings when I hear [my kids] praying for each other.”

- Another response explained, “We do lots of hugs. Physical touch is important for a child to know they are loved. I also try to make sure my children know how much their parents love each other. We are not afraid to hug or sneak a kiss in front of our kids.”

- Multiple people talked about reading scriptures as a family. For some, it was right before bed along with a family prayer. For another family, they have breakfast together and read the scriptures then. Find a time that works best for you. I know that my kids have loved memorizing one scripture every week that teaches a central theme from the Come Follow Me lesson. It really does bring a beautiful spirit to hear your 3-year old recite John 3:16.

- Another friend said, “We have a time together each day with no screens. We talk to each other about our day, read books, play games, or eat dinner all while having no phones or TV or video games allowed during this time. Having undistracted time with each other helps us feel connected and loved.”

- And finally, one sister-in-law shared, “I try to show my kids that I make mistakes too. When I break a promise or lose it on them, I try to go back and apologize and admit what I did was wrong. I want them to know that mistakes are always going to happen, but they can always be forgiven and will always be loved no matter what.”

After all I’ve talked about examining our heart and home and making changes to create environments of love, I want to leave you with this encouragement taken from a talk given by Elder Holland: “To all the mothers [and I add fathers] in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion, and like the Master you follow, your love never faileth.’”

It is important for you to be accountable for your stewardship as parents. But it is also important to know that heaven is on your side, silently cheering your every effort and noting the tender desires of your heart. Some days you will be overcome with a peaceful spirit as you witness your family interacting with love, and your heart will fill with a prayer of gratitude. Other days you may want to hide in the closet to get away from the noise of arguing kids or to keep yourself from losing your temper, and you’ll cry out in frustration wondering where you went wrong. But if you work to keep Christ at the center of your home and your heart, I know that He will bless your efforts, and your children will feel the love you have for them and the love you have for your Father in Heaven.

President Joseph F. Smith taught, “… If you will keep your [children] close to your heart, within the clasp of your arms; if you will make them feel that you love them … and keep them near to you, they will not go very far from you. …”

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.